Thursday, December 4, 2014

Subject Matter Expert

In an alcohol factory as a regular taster died, the director started looking for a new one to hire.
One day a drunkard with ragged and dirty look came to apply for the position.
The Director of the factory wondered how to send the fellow away. They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink and asked him to identify the drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"Well that's correct", said the boss, "bring him another glass..."
He tasted the second one and said, "It's red wine again, cabernet, eight years old, a South western slope, oak barrels."
"Correct." The Director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something on the sly. She brought in a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the second month..... and if you don't give me the job I'll tell you who's the father."

He was instantly hired!

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The Miracle

A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet. She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even.. The total had to be exactly perfect.. No chance here for mistakes.

Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.

She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention, but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!

'And what do you want?' the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice.. don't you see that I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages,' he said 

'Well, I want to talk to you about my brother,' Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. 'He's really sick....and I want to buy a miracle.'

'I beg your pardon?' said the pharmacist.

'His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?'

'We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you,' the pharmacist said, softening a little.

'Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs.'

The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, 'What kind of a miracle does your brother need?'

' I don't know,' Tess replied with her eyes welling up. I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money..'

'How much do you have?' asked the man from Chicago .

'One dollar and eleven cents,' Tess answered barely audible.

'And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to.'

'Well, what a coincidence,' smiled the man. 'A dollar and eleven cents---the exact price of a miracle for little brothers.'

He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said 'Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need.'

That well-dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well.

Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place.

'That surgery,' her Mom whispered. 'was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?'

Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle dollar and eleven the faith of a little child.

In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need.

Moral: A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.

Power of Negotiation

A zoo had among its animals a female gorilla, whose mood was becoming increasingly difficult.

The vet concluded that she was on heat and that a mate should be found.

The vet contacted some other nearby zoos to find a partner for the broody female, but to no avail.

The female gorilla's behaviour continued to worsen, but the vet noticed that she grew calmer, and strangely responsive, whenever a particularly well-built and not-too-handsome zoo keeper entered the enclosure.

Being an unprincipled and adventurous fellow, the vet put an outrageous proposition to the keeper: For a fee of Rs.5000 would the keeper consider spending a little 'quality time' with the gorilla, purely in the interests of research of course?....
The keeper pondered the suggestion, and after a few minutes agreed to the offer, subject to three conditions. The vet, intrigued, listened to the keeper's demands:
"First," the keeper said, "This thing should happen only after zoo hours."
"Fine," said the vet.
"Second, no-one must ever know."
"You have my word," said the vet, "And your final condition?"

"It's just," said the keeper a little awkwardly, "I require at least a month to save Rs.5000, would you mind giving me a credit period?"
Moral: It is more important to know each others position before indulging in any Negotiation. Otherwise we will end up negotiating for things which we have already acquired or accomplished.